


Keep Calm and Carry On

by onthedriftinthetardis (on_the_drift)



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, Smut, could either be seen as Ten or Tentoo with Rose, hot peppers, light whump (unintentional)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 05:13:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12381615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/on_the_drift/pseuds/onthedriftinthetardis
Summary: Based on a timepetalsprompts anonymous user's prompt, "Rose is giving the Doctor a bj and OH NO she forgot that she had been eating something spicy with jalapeños and now his junk is on FIRE"





	Keep Calm and Carry On

**Author's Note:**

> Ohhhhhh, now I've done it. This falls under the category of "things I can't believe I wrote." Posting with apologies to, basically all men, ever. Can we just blame the anonymous prompter instead? No? Ah.
> 
> Beta'd by the awesome chiaroscuroverse. Thank you, lovely! Per my usual, I've tampered with the text after she looked at it, so any errors are down to me. 
> 
> This could just as easily be seen as Ten or Tentoo with Rose, so imagine it's whichever one you like. Sorry if the tagging is confusing, but I didn't see an option for either/or. Sorry to disappoint anyone looking for both Ten and Tentoo with Rose! Maybe next time. ;)

The Doctor had just taken a shower and flopped naked on the bed when Rose came into the bedroom, book in one hand and mug of tea in the other. Upon seeing her lover stretched out so delectably before her, she set her book and mug down on top of his desk and pulled her blue and purple blouse over her head, tossing it in a corner. She had the Doctor's attention by this time, which became more obvious moment by moment as she slowly removed her lacy bra. By the time she had undone her jeans, button by button, and wriggled out of them, he was fully erect, his expression one of dark-eyed anticipation. 

“Hello Rose,” he uttered in such a rolling, deep voice it surprised even him. He was rewarded by seeing a slight shudder pass through her. 

“Hello Doctor,” she replied with a smile, touching her tongue to her teeth in that way that drove him crazy. Her smile turned into a grin as his cock twitched and hardened further. 

She crawled halfway up the bed and waited for the Doctor to prop his head up on an extra pillow while she stroked his inner thighs teasingly. 

Set with a better view of what his lover was doing, the Doctor began to breathe more heavily as Rose lowered herself over him and, without preamble, wrapped her full lips around the head of his cock, lightly touching her tongue to the tip. 

The Doctor whimpered as she quickly took as much of his length in her mouth as she could, and licked and sucked her way back up, releasing him with a soft pop. She turned a sultry look his way, and was surprised to see, not his usual heavy-lidded, Oncoming Orgasm expression, but wide eyes and a slightly panicked look. 

“All right, Doctor?” she asked in concern. 

“Rose, you didn't have any jalapeños today, did you?” he asked anxiously. 

“Well, no, actually I'm experimenting with habañeros, I had some on my sandwich earlier. I usually fry them up a bit first, but I wanted to get back to my… “

Rose trailed off as the Doctor's eyes widened further and he ruffled his hair, clearly in full panic mode. 

“Doctor, what is it?” Rose asked, and then the penny dropped. “Oh no….what have I done?”

The Doctor groaned, shifting his hips and drawing attention to his erection, now a bright, nearly fluorescent mauve all over. 

“It's the capsaicin in the peppers — it's an irritant that engorges the affected areas with blood and makes them feel like they're burning … comes from its chemical interaction with sensory neurons. It binds to a receptor called the… ohhhhh!” he moaned, mid-monologue, as the heat from the peppers really began to make itself felt. 

“Doctor, I am so, so sorry. I wasn't thinking!” said Rose miserably. “What can I do?”

“Help me get to the kitchen!” he said, gingerly climbing out of bed. 

“You want a snack _now_?” 

The Doctor looked at her incredulously. “Of course not! I should have an anti-capsaicin ointment in the first aid kit there,” he said, his pitch increasing with every syllable.

“Oh, right! Sorry.” Rose put her arm around his waist and took as much of his weight on her as he could. 

They made their way to the kitchen as quickly as possible in his current condition. (The TARDIS had thoughtfully moved it just down the hallway from their bedroom.) He grabbed the countertop while Rose retrieved the first aid kit from the drawer next to the stove, and handed it to him. 

He rummaged through the kit, muttering to himself all the while. He gave a pained groan. 

“It's not here! Some stupid ape must have used it all up and not told me it needed replacing!”

Rose grimaced. “You're in a right state, so I'm gonna let that slide. Isn't there anything else that would help?”

“Yes! Vegetable oil should be nearly as good.”

Rose bit her lip. 

“What? Oh no….”

“I used it all for this morning's fry-up,” she said apologetically. 

The Doctor swore under his breath, something about English cooking being the death of him. “Milk! Milk will work!”

“I had the last of it in my tea just now…”

The Doctor glared at her for a moment, but quickly recovered. 

“Right! Well, pass me the yogurt, then.”

Rose shook her head. 

“Ice cream?” the Doctor queried hopefully, a note of desperation in his voice. 

“We had the last pint of Chunky Monkey last night. Doctor, hadn't we better get you some medical care?” Rose suggested delicately. “I think we're out of dairy products.”

He closed his eyes and nodded in resignation. She started to lead him out of the kitchen when suddenly his eyes popped open and he whirled around.

“Miracle Whip!” he cried, half in triumph, half in acute discomfort, leaning heavily on the nearest counter. 

“Wha’?” Rose tilted her head in puzzlement, unsure if the Doctor was announcing a heretofore unsuspected kink or had finally found religion in his time of crisis. 

“In the back of the fridge!” he gestured urgently. “It's a sort of American salad cream.” While Rose hastened to look for it, he continued excitedly, “I bought a jar of it ages ago, couldn't stand the stuff — forgot all about it!”

After a few moments of frantic searching, Rose pulled out a large jar with a grin and a flourish. Cackling in excitement, the Doctor pounced on it, unscrewed the lid, and flipped it over — and in one swift movement, enveloped his throbbing member in the nearly full jar of thick white dressing. 

Rose stared at him, gobsmacked. 

“Ahhhhhhh,” he groaned, eyes closed in rapture. “Better than sex!”

At the sound of Rose loudly clearing her throat, he opened his eyes in realization. 

“Sorry…. I didn't mean… It's just…You have no idea what a relief this is.“

Rose looked at him, and the erect jar of Miracle Whip he was holding and smirked. The Doctor frowned at her. That's when she lost it completely, and bent over double laughing. After a few moments, she tried to regain control over herself, but when she looked at his crotch from her new angle, she started wheezing and gasping for breath. 

“Rose? Are you all right?” he asked, concerned but somewhat miffed at her amusement at his predicament, when it was, after all, her fault.

She held up one finger as she struggled to stop laughing. Finally getting control over herself, she stood up and wiped the tears from her eyes. 

“‘M fine, Doctor,” she said, taking a deep breath. ”Sorry. But you have to admit, it's not every day you see a man with his pecker in a jar of salad cream.”

“You've obviously never been to a Polluxian orgy,” the Doctor retorted. 

Rose startled, then stood still. “And you have?” 

“Well, the queen himself invited me. Would have been terribly rude to refuse,” the Doctor said quickly. 

“Whatever, it's still an unusual sight on planet Earth.”

The Doctor shook his head ruefully, finally removing the jar and putting it down on the counter, then reaching for a tea towel to clean himself. “Let's keep it that way. No more oral sex following the consumption of hot peppers. Agreed?”

Rose was grinning again as she nodded her agreement. 

The Doctor sighed. “Now what?” 

Rose pointed to the tea towel in his hand and stifled a laugh. 

The Doctor unfurled the red and white towel and held it up so he could see it. It was a reproduction of a poster from World War II with a crown at the top: “Keep Calm and Carry On.”

The Doctor looked at her reproachfully. 

“Seems like good advice.” Rose shrugged with a teasing smile as the Doctor used the tea towel in a manner for which it had never been intended. “You up to carrying on yet?” 

“You know what, Lewis, I believe I am!” the Doctor said, chucking the tea towel on the counter. 

Rose stepped into his embrace. “‘M sorry, Doctor.” 

“It's all right, Rose. And I do appreciate what you were trying to do at the time! Why don't we go take a shower, and then we can get back to… well, perhaps not what you were doing, but, shall we say, thematically similar amusements.” The Doctor waggled his eyebrows, and Rose laughed, shaking her head. 

“You are such a dork,” she said with affection, and tilted her head up to kiss his jawline.

“Absolutamente!” he purred in Italian. 

They had started to walk down the hallway when the Doctor squeezed her hand and ran back to the fridge, shouting “Un momento! Hang on just a tick!” 

He quickly scanned the contents of the refrigerator, then withdrew a small container of bright orange peppers. He opened the container and dumped the contents down the garbage disposal, and flicked the “on” switch. He waited with grim satisfaction for the grinding noise to stop, then turned the disposal off. 

“My habañeros!” came a voice behind him. 

“Sorry, Rose, but I couldn't sleep knowing those peppers were still on the TARDIS somewhere. You can still have peppers! Just nothing hotter than, say, serranos. For the safety of all concerned!”

Rose looked like she was going to argue, but saw the slightly crazed look in the Doctor's eyes and sighed. “Oh well. You're still the designated driver, I s’pose.”

Smiling at her, he held out his hand, and they went back to the bedroom, took a ridiculously long time cleaning each other in the shower, then snuggled naked under the covers. Rose climbed on top of the Doctor, and they made love in the timelessness of the vortex until they were both thoroughly exhausted and sated. 

“You know, Rose,” the Doctor said thoughtfully afterward, “those were just about the strongest orgasms I've ever had. I wonder … maybe if it were a much lower dose of capsaicin ….” He leaped out of bed and ran to the door. 

“Doctor, where are you going?” 

“To the kitchen! I'm going to see if we have any banana peppers!”

**Author's Note:**

> I know I've heard the expression "Oncoming Orgasm" before, so much as I'd like to, I can't take credit for it. If anyone knows who came up with it, let me know so I can provide proper credit.


End file.
